Powerless

Our house has sold but the final process draws out. The obstacles in closing frustrate me and I have no recourse.

I have no pull in this world. No money, no clout, no prestige. I am no mover or shaker. I am a little zero. All I can control is…myself? I can control my actions, but I cannot control my body: my hormones, my organs, the things that fire and do not fire in my brain. I cannot control my DNA or the crushing tide of aging. Sometimes I am scared to get pregnant again because I fear losing control of my face, or I fear other faceless complications of pregnancy. In this world, in this body, I have so little power, that the power I do have seems negligible.

Before I resolve this thought, I must admit that I almost never come to an encouraging resolution when I feel frustrated and mad. I am a storm. Lightning! Not zen. Not such a good disciple as in my writing.

Here, I affirm:

My God is powerful.
My words are powerful.
Service is powerful.

My God is powerful, despite the confusion surrounding why He moves in some ways but not in others. How I know: He has changed the hearts of people in my life—hearts that I’d have sworn would never change. That is power. He created the heavens, the earth, the bodies, the souls. That is power. 

This last year, I decided not to quit blogging because I love connecting with people through words. That connection is power. To be able to learn from someone else’s words. To be able to teach, to comfort someone by saying “Yes, I feel like that, too,”—that is power. To be able to create a world in a poem, a post, or a story. That is not zero.

When I think I am zero, I think I should have dreamt bigger, went to school longer, planned a lucrative career. But, my path is good. On any path, we can serve. Meeting a need—there are so many—is power. Encouraging an artist, filling a belly, building a house or a school, working to end modern-day slavery, demanding respect and human rights for all people in our laws and in our day-to-day—that’s power. Service is a mighty sharp sword that is mine to wield in battle.

I will not spend my life battling for control over the uncontrollable. I will not dwell on zero-ness and fear. I will affirm true sources of power: Jesus, talents, relationships, and service.